Nairam’s Roads

Today was my first day back at the shala after a semi-forced Yoga break…

While staying at my parents‘, I did practice every day, and practice was wonderful–strong, balanced, focused. I even got to think that I tend to be more inspired in that rugged carpet than when I’m in my own home or even at the shala. For the most of my stay, I was relaxed and in peace and had a great time. Looking back I realize that during those few days I probably managed to forget about a couple of things that have been stressing me out lately. Well…, at least until the last day of my stay, when I woke up cranky, groggy and irritated after a really bad night of sleep (full of nightmares about all those things that worry me…). Result? I was so upset all morning that I barely could get on the mat. I went furiously through the Suryas, getting even crankier at the fact that I could not let go and I could sense my anger (or whatever it was) boiling inside me with every breath. It was such an unusual and uneasy feeling that I ended up cutting the practice a bit short, using the convenient excuse that a couple of (annoying) phone calls interrupted me anyway.

The following 2-3 days, were busy and unexpected. I couldn’t practice the day of my flight back, since the flight takes off early, takes a good number of hours, and the airport is not so close, so the trip takes nearly all my day. Once back, I got the news about The Boyfriend’s health problem, and I had to cancel my trip to the Festival. While I decided to be constructive and use a few days at home to regroup and do some house projects that I had been putting off, I think the stress has taken over me. I know this because on Thursday and Friday I felt too tired to wake up at 5:30 am and run to the shala; after that I found myself meeting a long list of contractors to get estimates, and running house errands that took a lot more energy that I was expecting. In the meantime, I was more than happy to avoid my nice and healthy eating of the previous days to instead overindulge on crappy eating, having lots of pasta and ice cream (sigh).

Today I finally managed to get out of bed to go to Mysore. Lucky me, it starts at 8:00 am over the weekend, so I could not make more excuses to stay in bed (though frankly I wanted to). Practice was not so great–I was still tired, and I surprised myself gasping for air at some point during the Suryas, which had not happened to me since maybe my first week or second week of practice. I also noticed myself stiff, woobly and with a really unfocused and shallow breathing, although I managed to improve a bit over the course of the practice. I felt really great by the end of it, but by the time I came home I was so tired that I had to nap for a few more hours. 

So I’m finding that, as usual, my practice is just a mirror of my internal state… and it’s suffering from the share of struggles and stress I have these days. I wish I could reverse the energy of this mirror, make my practice not the effect, but the cause of my internal state of being. Improve its focus, its strength and balance, and then bring that out of the mat with me. Is that possible? I hope so. That is why I look up to Yoga so much. That’s why I have made it such an important ingredient of my life. 

I will spend a couple of more days here at home and then travel again. I do hope to let bygones be bygones and move on; working hard at the shala–and on myself. After that, I will need to gather my discipline to keep my practice going daily at The Boyfriend’s place (where I’m usually more tempted to slack, but I guess that’s part of the challenge!). I really need to try to do this. Wish me luck…

So, I’m at my parents’ house, since yesterday night. I guess I must have been a bit stressed coming in–the night before I stayed up late packing and running around through the house; late enough that I would have needed to sleep barely 3 hours to wake up in time for my usual practice at the shala.

Mind you, I did set the alarm clock for 5:15am.  When it rang, I just had to go over some internal struggle. One side of me was pissed–her view was that it was entirely my fault if my time management had been crap the day before and I had ended up going to bed so late; I had promised myself to practice Yoga 6 times a week, and hence I needed to wake up, get dressed and get out of the house and right into Mysore class. Moreover, it would be good to have a little chat with my instructors about the fact that I would be missing some days while at my parents’. My other side argued back that, after all, I do Yoga for wellness–and there is no wellness in being unforgiving and going on around all sleep deprived. Moreover, in spite of flying in the afternoon, I was requested to go to the office in the morning, and I needed to have my 5 senses with me in a state of alert.

I guess the motherly-nurturing-reasonable me (not the military-like-disciplined me) won the fight. I rescheduled the clock for 2 1/2 hours later and I skipped Yoga for the first time in my first month of practice without a good “permissible” reason (like having my 7th day rest, or it being a Moon Day or Ladies’ Holiday). Not sure why I was so upset and let down. To be frank, I am disciplined, but I have never been unreasonable to myself like that. This is the first time in which I feel this fear of starting straying away from my practice and then losing it all and eventually losing it. Hmmph.

Not too surprisingly, I practiced today at home. The practice went well-felt quite refreshing, in fact-though I did it an a rough wool ethnic rug that burned the palms of my hands somewhat. I’m still missing a “mat”, but I figured that if they can do it in Mysore, then I can do it too. Anyway, I really wanted to get started with the practice since tomorrow is a Moon Day again (darn!), and I needed to keep me going to stay sane… Because things around here are just *not* good. My Dad is in horrible shape-he can barely mumble or move, always in pain. To add to this, the whole house is in a state of tension. Of course this is not surprising and it cannot be blamed on anybody; there is just enough stress in a situation like the one we have–having a person on a terminal illness pretty much slowly going away at home, and just being there, waiting and unable to really do much to help.

Also, perhaps not too surprisingly, these days I’m having all these day-dreams about things I can do or places I can go. For one thing, I picked up at the airport this book “Make Money, Not Excuses” by Jean Chatzky which I read almost entirely in the plane. You wouldn’t have thought I would need such a book–after all, I have a graduate background in economics and finance; a related job, and it’s not that I don’t know numbers–but the book turned out to be surprisingly funny, down to earth, and warm, and it managed to give some really interesting tips and insights that fueled my mind with ideas of things to do and of things I could do better.

Other things that come to mind? Hmmph. Well, one, of course, is travel. I’ve always loved it, I always will, and generally  I have trouble standing still. Part of me wants to go to South America for a few weeks to dance… I’ve done it before, and I’d love to do it again. And, of course, another part of me has gotten this bug about eventually making it to India. I’ve always wanted to go (I’ve been to Sri Lanka, in fact, but never to India) and now all this talk about Mysore everywhere around me have planted a seed of wish. I have to say that I feel a bit ridiculous admitting it, since I’ve been practicing Yoga for a month… what could I possibly do at AYRI? Be stopped after 10 minutes of practice each day? Maybe, but deep inside, the idea is there, fixed–has been there for weeks already and does not abandon me. Yes, I know some more time of practice (many more months), and anyway I couldn’t possibly think of going now. But it will be done one day, hopefully within a reasonable period of time… and the thought makes me smile