Nairam’s Roads

On Sunday, for some reason, practice felt OK, with little moments of frustration here and there as I tried to get a sense on how to jump forward and back, since at the moment I can’t (I just don’t seem to fit in between my arms with my hands on the floor). So A (who never ceases to amaze me with how perceptive he is)  came to give me some pointers on how to gain strength in the arms to eventually be able to move my body for the jumps. And he added something that made an imprint–he advised not to focus too much on how the pose came out, but just to give it my best and move on; noting that this was the key element of detachment in the pratice.

So today I tried to apply this, meaning both trying to see if I can move my body for the jumps, supported by my arms, and also just to do my best and keep on going. In general, I felt better than the last couple of times–more flexible and a bit better balance, and also stronger on my chaturangas and other asanas requiring arm strength. I have to say that this practice (and the way it is taught and learned) frequently presents some interesting emotional challenges for me. Obviously there is so much I have to learn…

Nice practice today, after another strip of days without practice, caused once more by renovation complications. Was late of the shala–forgot about the change in daylight savings… but, as I told T after, one of the advantages of not being very advanced is that I can be late and still make it through all my practice Well, by the end I had to cut out the shoulder stand and a couple of other finishing poses and went straight to the last 3-4, but overall I was happy with how things went. Heel still bothering me, but I’m trying to convert that into a good thing–it forces me to think about my muscles and concentrate on my own body and what each move brings to it…

This weekend is one of major reorganization and cleaning at home. Finally I can even do this, after weeks of a mess and clutter that really affect my state of being (can’t stand the clutter, it sickens me). Yesterday, after some work to put even more trash in large contractor black bags, I finally slept well. I hope today will help, too. Yeah, things are getting back on track

…some little demons which I didn’t know I have around, incidentally.

The heel is still bothering me, and so I took another little break from practice to see if that would help–not that it worked before. It’s a weird injury–it doesn’t hurt during the day, but I feel a unnerving pull (and sometimes a burning sensation) only when I over-extend my leg on positions like the downward dog and parvottanasana. 

But yesterday morning, as I pondered whether to get out of bed to practice, I also had–for the first time ever–a sensation that I really didn’t want to. Maybe it is that I’m generally very disciplined on most of the things I do (and I’m used to do well as a result) that I have this growing frustration with my Yoga practice. I know that the fact that my attendance got haphazard in the last 3 months can be reasonably justified; but deep inside I guess I blame myself pretty harshly for everything: for working overtime, for traveling, for having had a mess of a home renovation, for being tired, and for not being able to keep up with a decent practice. And not only that, butI also had to deal with my fears–that I will never be moved up, and that people (my instructors, in particular) may be totally convinced by now that I don’t take my practice seriously. 

I know what matters is that *I* take it seriously (and God knows I do–for goodness’ sake, Yoga was the only thing that managed to keep me sane and stable during my father’s last weeks). But… the thing is that I’m deadly afraid of just being stuck forever and never advancing more in the Primary Series. Today I was reading Tova’s story about the backbends–which was inspirational, and at the same time made me wonder about how I should approach my own practice. Case in point: I have not been given any backbends yet, and reading how she just plunged into them confused me. Have I not taken this seriously enough, after all? Should I try them by myself? Should I abandon Mysore practice for a led beginners with backbends? Should I do this? Should I do that?

Anyway. One thing that came out from realizing that I had these fears was that at least I was able to see that: (1) they are irrational; (2) can be dealt with by just working (ie practicing); and (3) that the worst I could do would be to evade my own practice, since this could only make me feel very sorry for the wasted time later on. And so, I went to the shala this morning. Things were better–my heel still bothering me, but I managed to run through my whole routine at a good speed and focused. My balance is suffering a little with the heel’s business, but other than that I came out more balanced, grounded, stable inside… and with less fear and more control. I guess that was my internal Yoga of the last few days… A true backbend of the spirit.

I’ve been putting my yoga practice a bit on the back burner lately. I have been going through some complicated home renovations, which have really disrupted my days. This was compounded with the Ladies’ Holidays, and so I have not been to the shala for about 2 weeks. Today was my first day back.

It was sad. I was feeling strong overall, and fairly focused, and I was longing to have a long, deep practice… but the pain in my heel that was bothering me the last few times I practiced before the 2-week break has not subsided–rather, it has become worse. K came to me when he noted that I was having a little trouble putting my left heel down during downward dog –which is the only position that makes the lower back of the left heel burn. He said it sounded like Achilles pain, and recommended some modifications to the pose. I didn’t do them–I basically avoided putting the left heel down and that was enough to help me through it. Other than that, it went well.

But at the end of the practice I was feeling sad and annoyed. This pain has been there for the last 4-5 weeks; I was hoping that the break (that I had to take because of the renovations) would help cure the tendon… but no. The burn is getting worse, and I don’t know what that will mean to the adjustments going forward. Oh well, I guess it’s part of it all–learning how to deal with this as I try to get the heel to heal. Ha.

Anyway, I know I should not be bummed–things will be OK (I hope). But for now, I will just have to take it easy as I continue to practice…

Things are getting back slowly into place. I flew back home on Thursday evening, and so was able to restart my normal practice on Friday morning. Went back to the shala and that was just sweet–it felt like going back to a warm protective cocoon against the outside mess, including that horrid cold that freezes everything and everyone.

Friday’s practice was just nice. I didn’t push myself too strenuosly (following A’s advice of a couple of weeks ago), knowing that I had to be able to save some energy to keep it up. In fact, while I was a little stiff at first, I was surprised to see that this went away fast and I was able to have a very satisfying practice, considering that I have been sitting on planes for hours and hours, and that my practice has been so irregular and weak lately.

Saturday was nice as well, but I could already feel the soreness of the muscles. I was also tired because on Friday I spent some time of the day carrying some heavy boxes (by myself) through 4 flights of stairs–talk about renovations. Anyway, during practice I could feel much stiffer and tired on the legs and shoulders. I enjoyed myself, but I was pretty tired by the end. Just before leaving, bumped into D, who welcome me back, and asked me if I was “feeling it”. I smiled and answered that yes, practice had definitely felt harder than the previous day. Ouch.

Yesterday evening was another hectic day–driving around DC running renovation errands was just mental with all those buses coming in for the Inauguration (what an exciting moment, by the way…!!! ;D). By the time the night came, I was so sore that I wondered if I would be able to pull it off this morning. Of course, the morning came and I felt every single muscle aching, and decided to let the body rest a bit and retake practice tomorrow. My goal is to go 5 teams this week–practice two days in a row, take a break, practice 3 days in a row, take a break, then extend to 4, 5, and 6 days until my body is fully back on track

In any case, it all feels exciting and wonderful. It’s good to be back, and sore.