When I started my Ashtanga Yoga practice (and Yoga practice, for that matter) I knew what I was looking for: becoming more grounded, more balanced, and finding internal peace. And, in many ways, finding myself through that process.
Sometimes I’m surprised by how AY has pulled me into a more balanced life, even without I don’t fully realize this is the case. It’s only today that I suddenly saw it all clearly–how unbalanced my life has been, and how my practice suddenly started making me aware that this was the case and that I needed more to be who I am (or, hopefully, the best version of myself).
Let’s backtrack about 5 years from now. That was a time in which I was used to exercise regularly–mostly running, but also doing a bit of kickboxing, weight lifting, hiking, pilates and so on. I had been dancing for over a year and a half, but truly I did it very sporadically. I would go dancing for a few weeks in a row, and then abandoning it altogether for months.
Then, something happened. I was going through a break up, and in the midst of my depression, I longed for the happy “very much in the present” moments that dancing provided. Dancing–I thought–made me forget about everything else, so I made a strong commitment to go back, learn it well, and do it regularly. And it happened. The next four years where years where dancing occupied by entire universe in a way that is difficult to describe for people who’ve never done something like this. I would dance up to 7 days a weeks sometimes; travel quite frequently to dance festivals in the US and abroad (where I would spend the night dancing as well as the day) and pretty much closed down from everything else. And, since I never stopped being a workoholic, this meant that I had time for two things: work and dance. I saw my non-dancing friends much less, I soon found that I did not have time to exercise (except if the exercise came from dancing) and I thought I was happy with this. To help, I found myself in relationships with people who, of course, were as obsessed for the dancing as I was. I spent time thinking of dancing, about the music, about the people. And it was easy, because dancing is addictive, and absorbing. I was happy (or thought I was) dancing all I could; it distracted me from things I didn’t want to think about. At times, the thought crossed my mind that dancing had gone from giving me to taking away from me. But I kept on going.
And then one day, around a year ago, I found myself very stressed out and sad about many things–one of them being my father’s illness. And I suddenly decided to go to AYC. I have to say that a friend who goes there had already tried to pull me in once–I just was not ready, and after an introductory session though that it was not for me. Don’t ask me why one day, many months later, I suddenly realized that I needed to go. And I did.
And things changed. At first (for several months, actually) I was a very disciplined person, and managed to go 5-6 times a week to practice. I felt different immediately–much more grounded and less stressed. In fact, it was AY that grounded me during my father’s last weeks and after he passed. And I also noticed another change, almost immediately: I didn’t feel like dancing so much anymore. I still loved it, and could do it frequently in a moderate basis… but I needed “other things”. Non-dancing people. Painting. Reading about things that were not related to dancing. Watching movies that had nothing to do with dancing.
For many months, I was intrigued as to why AY took away my obsession with dancing. It’s incredible I didn’t see it until today. I had taken a break this morning because I was feeling sore from the last two days of practice. And then, in the late afternoon, as I was sitting in my office, a thought crossed my mind: hitting the gym. Running. Lifting weights. Doing abs. After all, the gym is in the basement!
So I took my set of gym clothes (I had kept a clean set for months and months and months in a drawer), took the elevator, and suffered through my 3.1 miles carrying 20-25 pounds more than the last time I did it, and then through some other exercises, including stretches, worried to have ruined my Yoga practice tomorrow by becoming stiff.
And I feel great. I feel like I recovered something lost of myself that I didn’t know I needed. I suddenly was aware that I had abandoned something that was important for me, and I that I have been disappointed at my own for it. And I also realized that this would not have come back to me without my AY practice, which has opened in me this need to become more balanced and find myself. It has allowed me to remember that there are things that made me proud of myself before, and that I need back right now.
So, I hope I will be able to keep up with both–AY and all the other things I need to become a whole person. Somehow, I’m sure it will be OK. AY brought them back for me, and it will lead me to be able to keep all the balls in the air… though this is something that I clearly need to learn. Dancing will be there, in, too, but not overtaking everything else. And some other awareness moments will come later about other things, I’m sure.
I’m amazed.
