Nairam’s Roads

I really can’t say much today that I haven’t said before. At the end of my practice, I seem to become invisible, and that’s really frustrating me right now. With 3 instructors rotating in different days for Mysore and really packed floors at the shala every morning, I’m just apparently getting lost in the crowd or something… I really don’t think anybody has realized that I’ve been for weeks and weeks stuck at an asana that I’m doing just fine, and that I should keep moving on in the series by now. The irony is that others aren’t experiencing the same problem…

Maybe this wouldn’t bother me so much if right now I weren’t going through quite a bit of stress on other areas of my life, but I guess my internal state is not the optimal one for dealing patiently with feeling overlooked and sidelined, especially when I think that I’ve worked hard and I have earned to my right to progress (another sigh).

Other than that, practice was OK. I was super stiff at the beginning, but somehow I broke into the muscles along the way–in fact, I felt much better during my forward bends that I have in a long time. Some useful adjustment from K for my triangle, and much deeper and more conscious breathing. And that’s that…

Did make it to the shala today, for my 70th day of practice … A bit amazing, considering that I went to bed at 3am after going dancing. Actually, I only got to Mysore practice at 9am–the floor was packed, and I only got saved because A saw me waiting outside and asked a couple of people already practicing to move their mats and let me squeeze in. I have to say, he’s such a sweet, nice person! As I’ve always said, I think I got pretty lucky with that group of Teachers I have. Wow.

Anyway, I had to work hard today, because I was just very tired to start with. I was super-stiff starting on, and later I had a bunch of little cramps on both my feet during several of the asanas; my balance went from fairly good on Saturday to nothing today. I struggled during the Hasta Padas and the triangles… argh. Anyway, A did give me some good feedback on how to use deep breathing to keep the balance and stability–something that I really appreciated.

By the time I finished, I had already completely abandoned the notion of doing more Yoga today–an idea I had toyed with yesterday, since there is an interesting Ashtanga-led series after Mysore… I was completely exhausted! Me being me, however, I still had to spend some time pondering on why I’m being stuck where I am at the Primary, and wondering when I’m going to get a new asana. Funny enough, since I was discontent with my performance today, I was trying to convince myself that maybe it is totally justified that I haven’t been moved on…

A bit later, while doing some grocery shopping, I bumped into D, who gave me a friendly “Hey, you missed practice today!!!”. I immediately said “Oh, no, I was there”. That gave me a sudden moment of realization… Of course, *I* am thinking all the time of where I am at during practice, but my Teachers can’t possibly be that focused on me. They sometimes don’t even see me… and that’s totally understandable. For instance, today, the shala was truly packed… and generally there are quite a few people practicing every early morning of the week. So yeah, maybe they just haven’t been thinking much of me. At the same time, the thought is a bit comforting, because I know I have some really wonderful Teachers who I fully trust, so things will come when they have to come. It’s all right.

Finally, made it to my Mysore practice this morning. I had a great time– stretching, trying hard, breathing as deeply as I could, pushing and pulling, holding the bandhas as much as possible… I wasn’t ‘great’ (in my own definition of performing to the best I know I can right now), mostly because my balance was a bit gone again, but overall I managed to pull myself together and have fun. I’m just ready to take up the day and I have recovered my energy level and internal joy.

It was interesting to watch my mind today, wandering from my dristis to the work I have to do at the office during the day, to the people who I know at work who practice Yoga, to the other Yoginis in the room, to the sudden realization that I got distracted again. I think the most recurrent thoughts I have these days are focused on assessing how well I am doing relative to the rest. And I actually don’t think I’m doing bad at all, considering that I’ve been practicing for just 4 months.

All that said, I continue to be a bit taken aback by the fact that I’ve been stuck for over a month with the same pose; one that I’m doing really comfortably. It worries me because I really don’t know what’s holding me there–if I had something really clear to work on, I could focus on it. OK, let me be clearer: I know there is a gazillion of things for me to work on (jumps in, jumps back, stronger planks, deeper breathing…) but I can also see many other people in the room who cannot do those things either, and have been moved forward on the primary series. So the question of “Why not me?” is something that I really need to get answered. 

Sometimes I’m afraid that my instructors have just forgotten about me, and that I will become a Kafka’s Gregor Samsa, slowly mutating into a little bug on my mat, at the corner of the shala, never improving and with nobody remembering that I exist.

So, while I’m feeling shy, scared and half-hearted about it, I’m considering asking D what I need to work on to move on… after all, language was given to us humans to communicate. In the meantime, I guess I will: (i) practice patience; (ii) practice breathing, jump ins, and jump backs; (iii) work hard on improving my planks; (iv) try to get into a few more led classes that expose me a bit to some of the next asanas…

Today, finally things improved. Following my inability to practice on Sunday, I went diligently to the shala on Monday morning, just to get even more frustrated with my crappy practice of that day. I just muddled through, and then on Tuesday couldn’t get out of bed again. 

But this morning was different. Not sure what did it: I had trouble getting out of bed, and a strange pain in my left forearm bothered me throughout the Suryas A. But suddenly things got better. Maybe because I took Monday off, I was already feeling stronger than in the last few days, and the pain eventually left me through the Suryas B. The rest of the practice went great; balanced and strong; in some cases my asanas were better than I ever did them before. I was pushing myself with every pose, making every move and holding every asana quite consciously. 

Eventually I got to the end in the primary series. “My” end, that is: Ardha Baddha Padma Paschimottanasana. Actually, I can do this rather well: I can hold my feet perfectly fine with my hands, and I can bend my face to my knee with ease. Why I’ve been stuck in there for about a month beats me. Yeah, partly it is that I’ve been on vacation (practicing at home, though), and my Teachers have been out of town, so I want to think they’ve lost track. But really (and I know I am not supposed to do this, but whatever), I don’t always understand how some others who started after me and can barely hold some of the poses I am doing fairly decently have been moved forward faster. And yes, I also know one is not supposed to ask and question the reasons (one’s teachers know better, or may be seeing things that one is not), but there are times in which one cannot help but wonder.

I am trying to take this philosophically. Maybe there is some other practice that I have to get from not being moved as fast as I think I should. For example, the fact that this pushes me even more to actually do whatever I am doing the best I can to keep on challenging my body, since I’m not confronted with any new asanas to learn. And also it teaches me some patience. I’m too used to do well and advance relatively quickly on things I try, because I’ve always been very hard-working. But maybe this is supposed to teach me that the speed does not matter. Dunno.

I just have to make some peace with myself because I admit that sometimes I’m tempted to do some self practice at home where I actually try some new things by myself. I haven’t tried it, however, because I respect the Mysore system, I do realize that my Teachers are actually fair and smart people, and that, perhaps, there is something I am not aware that is causing their decision to keep me where I am. Also, I would like their instruction and guidance when I move into new asanas that may be challenging for me… it’s just that sometimes I wonder if the reason is not simply that they forgot that I’m there in a corner of the room, and that maybe it’s time to give me something else new do work with. Sigh.

Anyway, I guess I’ll just continue to work with what I have as much as I can and learn to not be frustrated. Things will come with time. As I was taught for many years: La paciencia todo lo alcanza (Patience reaches everything).