Nairam’s Roads

Today was my first day back at the shala after a semi-forced Yoga break…

While staying at my parents‘, I did practice every day, and practice was wonderful–strong, balanced, focused. I even got to think that I tend to be more inspired in that rugged carpet than when I’m in my own home or even at the shala. For the most of my stay, I was relaxed and in peace and had a great time. Looking back I realize that during those few days I probably managed to forget about a couple of things that have been stressing me out lately. Well…, at least until the last day of my stay, when I woke up cranky, groggy and irritated after a really bad night of sleep (full of nightmares about all those things that worry me…). Result? I was so upset all morning that I barely could get on the mat. I went furiously through the Suryas, getting even crankier at the fact that I could not let go and I could sense my anger (or whatever it was) boiling inside me with every breath. It was such an unusual and uneasy feeling that I ended up cutting the practice a bit short, using the convenient excuse that a couple of (annoying) phone calls interrupted me anyway.

The following 2-3 days, were busy and unexpected. I couldn’t practice the day of my flight back, since the flight takes off early, takes a good number of hours, and the airport is not so close, so the trip takes nearly all my day. Once back, I got the news about The Boyfriend’s health problem, and I had to cancel my trip to the Festival. While I decided to be constructive and use a few days at home to regroup and do some house projects that I had been putting off, I think the stress has taken over me. I know this because on Thursday and Friday I felt too tired to wake up at 5:30 am and run to the shala; after that I found myself meeting a long list of contractors to get estimates, and running house errands that took a lot more energy that I was expecting. In the meantime, I was more than happy to avoid my nice and healthy eating of the previous days to instead overindulge on crappy eating, having lots of pasta and ice cream (sigh).

Today I finally managed to get out of bed to go to Mysore. Lucky me, it starts at 8:00 am over the weekend, so I could not make more excuses to stay in bed (though frankly I wanted to). Practice was not so great–I was still tired, and I surprised myself gasping for air at some point during the Suryas, which had not happened to me since maybe my first week or second week of practice. I also noticed myself stiff, woobly and with a really unfocused and shallow breathing, although I managed to improve a bit over the course of the practice. I felt really great by the end of it, but by the time I came home I was so tired that I had to nap for a few more hours. 

So I’m finding that, as usual, my practice is just a mirror of my internal state… and it’s suffering from the share of struggles and stress I have these days. I wish I could reverse the energy of this mirror, make my practice not the effect, but the cause of my internal state of being. Improve its focus, its strength and balance, and then bring that out of the mat with me. Is that possible? I hope so. That is why I look up to Yoga so much. That’s why I have made it such an important ingredient of my life. 

I will spend a couple of more days here at home and then travel again. I do hope to let bygones be bygones and move on; working hard at the shala–and on myself. After that, I will need to gather my discipline to keep my practice going daily at The Boyfriend’s place (where I’m usually more tempted to slack, but I guess that’s part of the challenge!). I really need to try to do this. Wish me luck…